I’m not really a great fan of ‘Reality’ TV. It always ends up with people crying, discussions about who ate all the cheese, and some fucker will mention ‘Journey’ at least umpteen times a week. Even the little kids doing Junior Masterchef (I refuse to put a link in) talked about their journeys. They hadn’t even managed to turn 13, but they all had a journey. That’s not a journey, that’s barely to the front door.
I tried to imagine being on one of the various reality shows out there, but mostly I hate physical labour, I’m too fat for the dancing shows, too untalented for the talent shows, and I can’t use dehydrated moose testicles to make icecream, so that lets out the cooking shows. They don’t appear to have a ‘So you think you can code!?’ show, but give them a year or two and there’ll be a MasterBlogger show. I’m now in training for my 15 minutes of fame.
This is how I imagine it would go:
Hi! and welcome to another exciting season of MasterBlogger, where amateur writers, comedians, parents, people who find weird food fascinating, and people who like to complain come together to find out once and for all* which one of them has what it takes to become this year’s MasterBlogger.
One of our contestants is Metta, who comes from somewhere in Victoria, and should be working right now!
Voice Over Guy: So tell us pause Metta, what made you decide to take part in this?
Metta: sad smile I’m very overworked right now, and I needed a creative outlet other than tormenting my cat and watching entire seasons of DVDs in one sitting. I used to write an online journal many many years ago, and I happened upon Beyonce the giant metal chicken, and thought I’d try again. Except with giant metal pigs. Only they were almost $600, so there went that idea.
Voice Over Guy: What is it that makes you stand out from the other contestants? Why should anyone read your blog?
Metta: well, Voice Over Guy, I believe that everyone’s blog is a unique snow flake, and there’s a reader or 10,000 for every blog. It’s just a case of coming up with the best use of rude words, insensitive comments, making fun of events in my real life, and drawings of cats. Mostly the drawings of cats.
Voice Over Guy: This may well be your last chance to post, is there anything you’d like to tell the viewers?
Metta: oh my god. crying I’m just not ready for my blogging journey to be over yet. I have so much more to show, I’ve only just started to find my feet this last half an hour or so, and I’d be devastated if I had to go back to work.
What reality show would you like to see?
And on a final note, this is for Tazer Warrior Princess, who drew me a picture.